Becoming a mother presents lots of challenges, but the biggest for most people is the change in identity. For me at least it took at least 6 months before i could get used to understanding myself under the lable mum, and then another few months to get used to my daughter and the rest of my family using the dreded term too. Suddenly my name had been erased from everybody's vocabluary and replaced with a rather generic term that really didn't feel like me.
Well, it's been 2 1/2 years since then and in hindsight the change has been even more momentus that i originally thought. For years (prior) to having children i had contemplated my identity, wondering what it was that was me. I used to draw spiral drawings starting with the things that i thought were most essentially me. They went something like this: reading, philosophy, writing, daughter, sister, girlfriend, student, but somehow i never felt that these things were me. The vague conclusion that i came to was that identity was something that is not stable or something that can be labelled. It is just the sum at any particular moment of my feelings, values, beliefs and relationships. But even that didn't seem right.
It is only recently that i have had the feeling that my sense of self was making an appearance that i have begun to explore the subject again. This new sense of self has kindly brought back with it some confidence, something else that has been missing for a while. I'm not to sure why this has happened but i have a feeling that it's something to do with contemplating my life's purpose; another thing that seems to 'come up' for us mothers.
I mean becoming a mother on the material level means that we have a new little bundle of joy to nurture but on the less considered emtoional level (where most of the changes take place) it means we have to re-define our whole approach to life, how we feel about literally everything. Our priorities change, for example, i now value emotional development over material gain; serving someones elses needs before my own (selflessness has led me to a understanding of self); and getting a career that fulfils me on a level that is not just material. Yes i have bills to pay but the most important thing that has changed for me is that i realise the value of life itself, it's gift is not to be wasted.
In my humble opinion we all have something that we can do that we feel passionate about, and in my experience this is something that contributes to humanity in a positive way whether it be the beauty that art adds to life (music, art, literature), or just helping to making the world a better place in some way, such as assisting a charity or raising awareness on a particular issue. In fact helping people in anyway as long as it's not making money for money's sake. To me a job should be something that adds to your sense of self.
I guess what i've realised is that the self is defined by what you do with your life, not who you think you are, and that if you are doing something that doesn't make you happy in anyway, your sense of self is going to be compromised, however, if you can be determined enough to find a career in something you believe in whole heartedly, something you believe to be good, then your sense of self will shine through in all it's glory and blow away all the labels that society seems to stick on top of you and that can sometimes act as plasters, covering up the true light of self.
Friday 1 October 2010
Friday 9 July 2010
The Secret Garden
Smile on my face
and love in my heart,
the spring of content
pours forth it's treasure.
The secret garden,
Deep within.
and love in my heart,
the spring of content
pours forth it's treasure.
The secret garden,
Deep within.
Tuesday 6 July 2010
Getting to the Heart of Unconscious Thought Patterns
Since becoming a mother i have noticed that sometimes when i open my mouth, out pops something that i remember being told when i was a child. At first i thought that this was just a little quirk of parenting, but on giving this a bit more thought, promted by the book i'm currently reading "The Invisible Century: Einstein, Freud and the Search for Hidden Universes" By Richard Panek i realised that, "our language is necessarily steeped in preconceived ideas. Only they are unconscious preconceived ideas, which are a thousand times the most dangerous of all". (The quote is actually by Henry Poincare on page 72).
Now, i've come across the idea that ideas can be dangerous but i normally equate this with large political ideologies and have never given thought to the fact that just a small phrase repeated enough times could have a profoundly negative impact on someones life, well not until i became a mother that was. So, most recently i have been listening to myself repeating phrases like, 'well, that's life' and 'life is tough', 'life is hard' and 'you'll have to learn the hard way', and suddenly the impact that these words could have on my children dawned on me, like a rock falling out of the sky. What i realised is that yes, life is hard, but it's even harder if you believe it to be hard.
In fact i have found being a parent so damn hard that it has forced me to seek a different path through life. I have done a lot of soul searching and realised that i was fighting all the time. Everything was an effort to me, and with the extra pressure of caring for two small people it was not possible for me to continue with the way in which i was living.
One of the most fundamental ways in which i am beginning to change my approach to life is to try and understand my perception of life. How do i view life? Because perception is the structure within which we base all our ideas, opinions, values and beliefs. What i found was this is a very hard question to answer. It's also the main point of the book: that both Einstein and Freud were able to do to solve their own problems (the intellectual problems of their generation) by approaching their respective subjects in a different way to their contemporaries.
So i'm trying bit by bit (through careful observation of my thoughts, actions and words) to uncover a few of these preconceived ideas. And today i realised that if i keep telling my girls how hard life is they too will find themselves struggling and fighting their way through life, and that's just not what i want for them.
From what i have found there is a path of least reistance, which involves just listening to your heart every moment and hearing what it has to say; it will tell you what your next move should be, and the answer will always be the most harmonious, and more intelligent decision. And it means that you have a constant stream of reliable information at your hand 24 hours a day!
Now, i've come across the idea that ideas can be dangerous but i normally equate this with large political ideologies and have never given thought to the fact that just a small phrase repeated enough times could have a profoundly negative impact on someones life, well not until i became a mother that was. So, most recently i have been listening to myself repeating phrases like, 'well, that's life' and 'life is tough', 'life is hard' and 'you'll have to learn the hard way', and suddenly the impact that these words could have on my children dawned on me, like a rock falling out of the sky. What i realised is that yes, life is hard, but it's even harder if you believe it to be hard.
In fact i have found being a parent so damn hard that it has forced me to seek a different path through life. I have done a lot of soul searching and realised that i was fighting all the time. Everything was an effort to me, and with the extra pressure of caring for two small people it was not possible for me to continue with the way in which i was living.
One of the most fundamental ways in which i am beginning to change my approach to life is to try and understand my perception of life. How do i view life? Because perception is the structure within which we base all our ideas, opinions, values and beliefs. What i found was this is a very hard question to answer. It's also the main point of the book: that both Einstein and Freud were able to do to solve their own problems (the intellectual problems of their generation) by approaching their respective subjects in a different way to their contemporaries.
So i'm trying bit by bit (through careful observation of my thoughts, actions and words) to uncover a few of these preconceived ideas. And today i realised that if i keep telling my girls how hard life is they too will find themselves struggling and fighting their way through life, and that's just not what i want for them.
From what i have found there is a path of least reistance, which involves just listening to your heart every moment and hearing what it has to say; it will tell you what your next move should be, and the answer will always be the most harmonious, and more intelligent decision. And it means that you have a constant stream of reliable information at your hand 24 hours a day!
Children's Song by R.S. Thomas
We live in our own world.
A World that is too small
For you to stoop and enter
Even on hands and knees,
The adult subterfuge.
And though you probe and pry
With analytic eye,
And eavesdrop all our talk
With an amused look,
You cannot find the centre
Where we dance, where we play,
Where life is still asleep
Under the closed flower,
Under the smooth shell
Of eggs in the cupped nest
That mock the faded blue
Of your remoter heaven.
A World that is too small
For you to stoop and enter
Even on hands and knees,
The adult subterfuge.
And though you probe and pry
With analytic eye,
And eavesdrop all our talk
With an amused look,
You cannot find the centre
Where we dance, where we play,
Where life is still asleep
Under the closed flower,
Under the smooth shell
Of eggs in the cupped nest
That mock the faded blue
Of your remoter heaven.
Monday 5 July 2010
Quote of the day:
"There is surely a piece of divinity in us, something that was before the elements, and owes no homage unto the sun" Sir Thomas Browne.
Thursday 1 July 2010
Parenting Blunder No 1: The rule of no SHOUTING
Because parenting isn't all sweetness and light today i'm serving up a slice of reality pie: the shitty end of the stick so to speak. Not that i really want to air my mistakes for all and sundry but i hope by doing so i (and others) will be less likely to make the mistake again.
Things started well. I was organised, managed to do ironing before we left the house at 10.30. Went to playgroup and the girls got to run free for an hour, everyone was happy. We came home, Anona went to bed for an hour and Gwen was relatively well behaved...until, the carrot incident.
Gwen helped me to peel carrots but then decided to trail the peelings over the floor. (Nothing to get upset about you think, but how easy it is to let yourself get wound up.) On asking her to pick them up i got a loud and very decicive "NO". This is the first time she's ever raised her voice to me so being quite shocked I did what i imagine every mum has done once or twice, I shouted back, "OH YES YOU WILL. YOU WILL LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY AND YOU WILL DO WHAT I TELL YOU, OR ELSE YOU CAN GO TO YOUR NAUGHTY STEP". How cliched and ugly this sounds now that it is written down.
"OK" she said casually. Result i thought! But i thought to soon, her response was not in agreement with me but was actually opting to sit on the naughty step (the easier option). What choice did i have here? My threat of punishment was taken up thankfully, so while she sits happily on the naughty step i begin to stew.
The two minutes is up so i ask nicely again, "now please can you clean up your mess?"
The response again, "But i don't want to", and by this time it's too late for me and i see red and pick her up and deposit her in her cot telling her that she can stay there until she learns her lesson.
At this point i should have realised that i had a choice about how to deal with the situation. I let my anger carry me and take control even though i knew in my heart that I was wrong. The anger said, she's got one over on you, she's dictating to you and she needs to be punished. My heart said, you're upsetting her, she looks up to you and learns how to act from the way you act. But i didn't listen, i was too angry.
How sad i am to have treated my daughter in this way. In hindsight i can see that my thinking at the time was probably due to some non-sensical common sense which told me that if i let her speak to me in that way and not clean up after herself then she would grow up thinking that she can shout at people and not clean up after herself, and ironically that's exactly what my actions reinforced.
By shouting at children they learn to shout. By getting angry they learn to get angry. When children are punished they learn to punish. If i truly think about what message i wanted to get across and the best way to do it i could have done without all the angry words, tears and the upset and confusion they caused. Even if it meant cleaning up the said carrot myself (which i did in the end anyway).
What i have learned today is it that children don't need acoustics to understand something. They are emotionally intelligent and can feel when they have done wrong or upset someone. My shouting today was probably the result of learned behaviour that has been passed down from generation to generation. It is scary how easy it is to follow these unconscious thought patterns, and so today i made the choice to break that cycle. From now on every action i take will be the result of conscious and considered thought. I am so sorry Gwen, I won't let it happen again xxx
Things started well. I was organised, managed to do ironing before we left the house at 10.30. Went to playgroup and the girls got to run free for an hour, everyone was happy. We came home, Anona went to bed for an hour and Gwen was relatively well behaved...until, the carrot incident.
Gwen helped me to peel carrots but then decided to trail the peelings over the floor. (Nothing to get upset about you think, but how easy it is to let yourself get wound up.) On asking her to pick them up i got a loud and very decicive "NO". This is the first time she's ever raised her voice to me so being quite shocked I did what i imagine every mum has done once or twice, I shouted back, "OH YES YOU WILL. YOU WILL LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY AND YOU WILL DO WHAT I TELL YOU, OR ELSE YOU CAN GO TO YOUR NAUGHTY STEP". How cliched and ugly this sounds now that it is written down.
"OK" she said casually. Result i thought! But i thought to soon, her response was not in agreement with me but was actually opting to sit on the naughty step (the easier option). What choice did i have here? My threat of punishment was taken up thankfully, so while she sits happily on the naughty step i begin to stew.
The two minutes is up so i ask nicely again, "now please can you clean up your mess?"
The response again, "But i don't want to", and by this time it's too late for me and i see red and pick her up and deposit her in her cot telling her that she can stay there until she learns her lesson.
At this point i should have realised that i had a choice about how to deal with the situation. I let my anger carry me and take control even though i knew in my heart that I was wrong. The anger said, she's got one over on you, she's dictating to you and she needs to be punished. My heart said, you're upsetting her, she looks up to you and learns how to act from the way you act. But i didn't listen, i was too angry.
How sad i am to have treated my daughter in this way. In hindsight i can see that my thinking at the time was probably due to some non-sensical common sense which told me that if i let her speak to me in that way and not clean up after herself then she would grow up thinking that she can shout at people and not clean up after herself, and ironically that's exactly what my actions reinforced.
By shouting at children they learn to shout. By getting angry they learn to get angry. When children are punished they learn to punish. If i truly think about what message i wanted to get across and the best way to do it i could have done without all the angry words, tears and the upset and confusion they caused. Even if it meant cleaning up the said carrot myself (which i did in the end anyway).
What i have learned today is it that children don't need acoustics to understand something. They are emotionally intelligent and can feel when they have done wrong or upset someone. My shouting today was probably the result of learned behaviour that has been passed down from generation to generation. It is scary how easy it is to follow these unconscious thought patterns, and so today i made the choice to break that cycle. From now on every action i take will be the result of conscious and considered thought. I am so sorry Gwen, I won't let it happen again xxx
Sunday 27 June 2010
Wordsworth
My Heart Leaps Up
My heart leaps up when I behold
A Rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the man;
And I wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.
I love this poem and it encapsulates how i'm feeling today: joy at being alive and having the responsibility of creating the next generation!
My heart leaps up when I behold
A Rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the man;
And I wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.
I love this poem and it encapsulates how i'm feeling today: joy at being alive and having the responsibility of creating the next generation!
Saturday 26 June 2010
The Relaxation Response
As mothers we have our work cut out for us every hour of every day. At the moment life for me is frustrating to say the least. As i write my one year old is rubbing the lovely sauce that i made for dinner all over her head, and now tipping the plate upside down; in a moment she will get bored of eating and scream as if the universe was coming to an end.
Some days i see the funny side. Some days i just want to cry. Some days i embrace my situation with gratitude for the wonderful gift of life, and cry anyway. Whatever i manage i always try my best; there's no point striving for perfection.
Luckily for me life seems to throw up the right stuff just when i need it. I trust that it will and it does. Recently this came in the form of a cd: 3 Easy Steps to Deep Relaxation by Dr Swami Shankardev Saraswati. It now has a permanent home on my ipod and i listen to it as often as possible.
I have to say that the benefits of acquiring this cd have been magnanimous. I think prior to owning it i spend the last 15 or so years living with my sympathetic nervous system constantly switched on. I was always tense, anxious or worried and felt trapped in a vicious circle of negative thinking. I tried everything to change but change didn't come.
What Dr Shankardev teaches is the biology behind relaxation plus three techniques to achieve deeply relaxing states. By practicing these techniques your body learns to activate the para-sympathetic nervous system which lets our body experience relaxation. More and more i am finding that i can keep my cool even when i am being pushed in another direction e.g. like today when my toddler decided to put the hand-held fan in her potty and switch it on! Normally this would elicit loud words of dissatisfaction but today mummy was cool.
Now i won't say that this has made me a model mother but it has definitely helped me to bring about positive change and this had made my (and my childrens) life a whole lot more enjoyable.
I wonder why my doctor couldn't have recommended me this cd rather than the script for anti-depressants!
Some days i see the funny side. Some days i just want to cry. Some days i embrace my situation with gratitude for the wonderful gift of life, and cry anyway. Whatever i manage i always try my best; there's no point striving for perfection.
Luckily for me life seems to throw up the right stuff just when i need it. I trust that it will and it does. Recently this came in the form of a cd: 3 Easy Steps to Deep Relaxation by Dr Swami Shankardev Saraswati. It now has a permanent home on my ipod and i listen to it as often as possible.
I have to say that the benefits of acquiring this cd have been magnanimous. I think prior to owning it i spend the last 15 or so years living with my sympathetic nervous system constantly switched on. I was always tense, anxious or worried and felt trapped in a vicious circle of negative thinking. I tried everything to change but change didn't come.
What Dr Shankardev teaches is the biology behind relaxation plus three techniques to achieve deeply relaxing states. By practicing these techniques your body learns to activate the para-sympathetic nervous system which lets our body experience relaxation. More and more i am finding that i can keep my cool even when i am being pushed in another direction e.g. like today when my toddler decided to put the hand-held fan in her potty and switch it on! Normally this would elicit loud words of dissatisfaction but today mummy was cool.
Now i won't say that this has made me a model mother but it has definitely helped me to bring about positive change and this had made my (and my childrens) life a whole lot more enjoyable.
I wonder why my doctor couldn't have recommended me this cd rather than the script for anti-depressants!
Thursday 24 June 2010
Ten things
1. TRUST - Trust that things will always work out for the best.
2. CHERISH your friends and loved ones.
3. Don't be afraid of FEAR - if you find yourself afraid, confront your fears head on and find the depths of love for them. It's ok to be afraid.
4. If someone needs HELP, help them whoever and where ever they are.
5. LISTEN carefully to your heart. When it feels full and open you are on the right path.
6. Be TRUE to yourself. Stick up for what you believe.
7. Have FAITH. Without it you have nothing.
8. Be POSITIVE: what ever attitude you put out you will get back.
9. Believe in LOVE. It really does make the world go round.
10. Follow your true PASSION. It is your only route to true happiness.
2. CHERISH your friends and loved ones.
3. Don't be afraid of FEAR - if you find yourself afraid, confront your fears head on and find the depths of love for them. It's ok to be afraid.
4. If someone needs HELP, help them whoever and where ever they are.
5. LISTEN carefully to your heart. When it feels full and open you are on the right path.
6. Be TRUE to yourself. Stick up for what you believe.
7. Have FAITH. Without it you have nothing.
8. Be POSITIVE: what ever attitude you put out you will get back.
9. Believe in LOVE. It really does make the world go round.
10. Follow your true PASSION. It is your only route to true happiness.
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Perception Obsession
Housework. Grrrr. I have spent the last god knows how many years trying to keep on top of the housework. Having a clean and neat house gives me a sense of control and helps me feel like i'm coping. I know many parents feel like this but i've realised recently that this feeling is more than a little misleading.
Simone de Beauvoir has written extensively about womans role in "The Second Sex" and in other stories. I remember one of her characters who's life was a constant battle with the housework and children, and this was the way i was beginning to feel. You get up in the morning and put washing on, feed the children breakfast, do the dishes, make lunch etc etc and you can fall into the trap of feeling like this is all your life amounts too. You can centre your perception on this struggle and get lost in it, and lose your self in it. Your blinkers are put on and you don't see anything else anymore. Life is no longer fun ;(.
What i've realised is it doesn't have to be this way. I woke up this morning and while i was in the bath i realised that my girls were happy today because i didn't get up and see the mess; i got up and we pulled out a train set and played. I had my bath and i didn't see that the bath did in fact need cleaning; i saw that it was a great day for a walk.
What I realised, is that your outside world is a reflection of your perception and all the little seemingly insignificant thoughts that make up your perception, and that your perception is something you can change for the better.
Don't let your perception become trapped in a cycle of something that you will never keep on top of. Keep your mind focused on what is good in life, and life will be good. Good luck!
Simone de Beauvoir has written extensively about womans role in "The Second Sex" and in other stories. I remember one of her characters who's life was a constant battle with the housework and children, and this was the way i was beginning to feel. You get up in the morning and put washing on, feed the children breakfast, do the dishes, make lunch etc etc and you can fall into the trap of feeling like this is all your life amounts too. You can centre your perception on this struggle and get lost in it, and lose your self in it. Your blinkers are put on and you don't see anything else anymore. Life is no longer fun ;(.
What i've realised is it doesn't have to be this way. I woke up this morning and while i was in the bath i realised that my girls were happy today because i didn't get up and see the mess; i got up and we pulled out a train set and played. I had my bath and i didn't see that the bath did in fact need cleaning; i saw that it was a great day for a walk.
What I realised, is that your outside world is a reflection of your perception and all the little seemingly insignificant thoughts that make up your perception, and that your perception is something you can change for the better.
Don't let your perception become trapped in a cycle of something that you will never keep on top of. Keep your mind focused on what is good in life, and life will be good. Good luck!
Wednesday 9 June 2010
A Question to you!
Where is your consciousness centered? Is it in your head? Do you think logically, or tend to over-think and analyse?
Today i have learned that i can choose where i 'think', 'feel' or 'intuit' from. My consciousness now is centered in my heart, and now i know that this is the right way for me to continue my life, with love and compassion.
La vie est belle
Elle xxx
Today i have learned that i can choose where i 'think', 'feel' or 'intuit' from. My consciousness now is centered in my heart, and now i know that this is the right way for me to continue my life, with love and compassion.
La vie est belle
Elle xxx
Saturday 22 May 2010
A BIT ABOUT ME AND WHY I’M BLOGGING
Hi, I’m new to blogging so please excuse any mistakes, typos or general ignorance on my part, offending people is not my intention. I’ve decided to start my own blog as I’ve always felt that writing is really important, but until now I’ve never had anything important enough to write about. Now I find myself the wrong side of 30 I’m thinking that if I don’t start now it may never happen.
Writing is a funny thing. Because I’m new to this form of self-expression called blogging, I feel almost blind to what type of impression I’m going to create, or what I’m going to create at all. I guess I hope that this will be an experiment on my part to see what ‘I’ look like on a page and what I can achieve and learn through the process of writing and sharing.
I also see writing as a key figure in the process of self-development: a space to create and discover who I really am and what I want in life. Like a lot of people, what I’d like is to find is a direction that will lead me to peace and happiness, and when I find it I can pass the knowledge on to my children. I believe that each of us has something that we are truly passionate about and that following our hearts will lead us to exactly this. The hard bit for me is weeding through all the things that interest me and deciding on which is my true passion, and then wondering how on earth I can make a career out of it.
At this point in my life I feel that I’ve managed to narrow down my choices and come to some tentative conclusions: that I love discovering new knowledge and information and sharing this with others - some times without the person in question actually being interested. That writing is my best bet as far as communication goes, and that what I really want is to someday publish something - or lots of things - worth reading. My most important discovery to date is the subject of my proposed writings and the things that i'm most passionate about, these being philosophical questions about the nature of the mind, the nature of reality and the role that language plays in both the mind and reality. Quite a broad category but i won't go into detail here about the many exact subjects as it may take a while!
I realise that this blog won’t be everyone’s cup of tea so to speak, but I really hope that it will speak to a smaller and maybe more select audience. What I really really hope now is that if you have enjoyed reading that you will feel inspired enough to leave a comment to tell me what you did or didn’t like, or your thoughts on the subjects, or just a general comment that has something vaguely to do with anything. I’d love to hear from you. Thank you so much xxx
Writing is a funny thing. Because I’m new to this form of self-expression called blogging, I feel almost blind to what type of impression I’m going to create, or what I’m going to create at all. I guess I hope that this will be an experiment on my part to see what ‘I’ look like on a page and what I can achieve and learn through the process of writing and sharing.
I also see writing as a key figure in the process of self-development: a space to create and discover who I really am and what I want in life. Like a lot of people, what I’d like is to find is a direction that will lead me to peace and happiness, and when I find it I can pass the knowledge on to my children. I believe that each of us has something that we are truly passionate about and that following our hearts will lead us to exactly this. The hard bit for me is weeding through all the things that interest me and deciding on which is my true passion, and then wondering how on earth I can make a career out of it.
At this point in my life I feel that I’ve managed to narrow down my choices and come to some tentative conclusions: that I love discovering new knowledge and information and sharing this with others - some times without the person in question actually being interested. That writing is my best bet as far as communication goes, and that what I really want is to someday publish something - or lots of things - worth reading. My most important discovery to date is the subject of my proposed writings and the things that i'm most passionate about, these being philosophical questions about the nature of the mind, the nature of reality and the role that language plays in both the mind and reality. Quite a broad category but i won't go into detail here about the many exact subjects as it may take a while!
I realise that this blog won’t be everyone’s cup of tea so to speak, but I really hope that it will speak to a smaller and maybe more select audience. What I really really hope now is that if you have enjoyed reading that you will feel inspired enough to leave a comment to tell me what you did or didn’t like, or your thoughts on the subjects, or just a general comment that has something vaguely to do with anything. I’d love to hear from you. Thank you so much xxx
MOTHER EARTH
I don’t know about you but sometimes I display behaviour that is less than desirable for my children to be witnessing. Things that I really don’t want my children to copy, i.e. shouting, screaming, throwing things, crying, criticising, and generally just not being in the mood. I try to keep this to a minimum but self control was never a strong point for me.
Some days I wish that my little angles would fly away and leave me alone for just 1 minute. I feel like I’m last in line for everything: eating, bathing, sleeping and other really essential things and it really pisses me off. And on top of this I then feel miserable and sorry for myself.
This is not a good way to live, or to feel and I needed to snap out of it or I’d be in danger of falling back into depression. Luckily, about a week ago I was reading a beautifully illustrated book that a friend bought me about chakra healing, not a subject that I would have previously chosen but I’ve found it really useful. The book is called Chakra Healing by Liz Simpson and although it’s not directly about parenting a lot of what’s covered can be of help stressed and over-burdened mothers. What I found poignant on this occasion is the distinction it made between two archetypes: the victim and the earth mother.
The victim was described someone who lets themselves become vunerable, needy and ungrounded and the earth mother is more positively associated with nourishment, caring and unconditional love; an earth mother is strong enough to act with love and to effect positive change. So now when I get frustrated or angry I somehow manage to intercept and consciously switch to earth mother mode, replying to screaming demands for milk and chocolate cake with a kind and rational voice: it seems to be working. Now I feel like I have more time, which means more time to cuddle when they feel sad or lonely in the night; more time to play even if I’m knee deep in housework; and more time just to say I love you when I know that I’ve only got 5 minutes to concoct and cook dinner before man gets home.
This new approach really paid off today. Not only did people comment on how polite Gwen was being, there was even no tantrum on leaving playgroup, and indeed less tantrums in general. Both my girls seem more content and more like little earth mothers themselves, and that makes me and everyone else a little bit happier.
Some days I wish that my little angles would fly away and leave me alone for just 1 minute. I feel like I’m last in line for everything: eating, bathing, sleeping and other really essential things and it really pisses me off. And on top of this I then feel miserable and sorry for myself.
This is not a good way to live, or to feel and I needed to snap out of it or I’d be in danger of falling back into depression. Luckily, about a week ago I was reading a beautifully illustrated book that a friend bought me about chakra healing, not a subject that I would have previously chosen but I’ve found it really useful. The book is called Chakra Healing by Liz Simpson and although it’s not directly about parenting a lot of what’s covered can be of help stressed and over-burdened mothers. What I found poignant on this occasion is the distinction it made between two archetypes: the victim and the earth mother.
The victim was described someone who lets themselves become vunerable, needy and ungrounded and the earth mother is more positively associated with nourishment, caring and unconditional love; an earth mother is strong enough to act with love and to effect positive change. So now when I get frustrated or angry I somehow manage to intercept and consciously switch to earth mother mode, replying to screaming demands for milk and chocolate cake with a kind and rational voice: it seems to be working. Now I feel like I have more time, which means more time to cuddle when they feel sad or lonely in the night; more time to play even if I’m knee deep in housework; and more time just to say I love you when I know that I’ve only got 5 minutes to concoct and cook dinner before man gets home.
This new approach really paid off today. Not only did people comment on how polite Gwen was being, there was even no tantrum on leaving playgroup, and indeed less tantrums in general. Both my girls seem more content and more like little earth mothers themselves, and that makes me and everyone else a little bit happier.
Monday 17 May 2010
MENTAL SILENCE
Six months ago things reached fever pitch in my life. I was not coping very well with the demands of caring for a toddler and a baby and was constantly finding myself in a state of anxiety, stress or anger. My moods were affecting my partner and my children and the general mood in the camp was one of depression and frustration. I decided to get a book on meditation. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
Luckily I found meditation very easy even though on previous attempts, say during the relaxation at the end of a rare yoga session, I found it very hard to control my thoughts at all. I think it was because back then I didn’t want to slow down. Lying down at a yoga session just meant that I could plan the rest of the day and not waste any time. I hate wasting time.
What I have discovered is that far from wasting time, meditation created something that was far more valuable. It actually created more time and space in my life. It was as if time had slowed down precisely because my thoughts had slowed down. I now see that there is a direct relationship between the nature of our thoughts and our experience of life. Non stop thinking creates a fast moving day but also left me prone to anxiety and other unsettling feelings.
I decided to prioritise some time every day to cultivate this more relaxed state of mind. The only time I was able to do this was in the bath with the door firmly shut and strict instructions for Gareth to keep the girls downstairs at all costs. It only gives me 10-20 mins. each day but it has been enough to make a huge difference in the quality of all of our lives. The biggest change I have noticed is that instead of spending the day in my head ruminating or worrying about how I’m going to get the dinner done whilst breastfeeding Anona I actually spend the day with my girls.
When you take the time to stop and think it’s amazing how little time we spend in the present moment.
When our minds become still and thoughts slow down we come as close to peace as we possibly can. In this state of mind it is likely that we will take a more positive view of ourselves, our relationships and of the general goings on of reality. It is in this calm state of awareness that we can best relate to our children and develop conscious parenting skills.
Luckily I found meditation very easy even though on previous attempts, say during the relaxation at the end of a rare yoga session, I found it very hard to control my thoughts at all. I think it was because back then I didn’t want to slow down. Lying down at a yoga session just meant that I could plan the rest of the day and not waste any time. I hate wasting time.
What I have discovered is that far from wasting time, meditation created something that was far more valuable. It actually created more time and space in my life. It was as if time had slowed down precisely because my thoughts had slowed down. I now see that there is a direct relationship between the nature of our thoughts and our experience of life. Non stop thinking creates a fast moving day but also left me prone to anxiety and other unsettling feelings.
I decided to prioritise some time every day to cultivate this more relaxed state of mind. The only time I was able to do this was in the bath with the door firmly shut and strict instructions for Gareth to keep the girls downstairs at all costs. It only gives me 10-20 mins. each day but it has been enough to make a huge difference in the quality of all of our lives. The biggest change I have noticed is that instead of spending the day in my head ruminating or worrying about how I’m going to get the dinner done whilst breastfeeding Anona I actually spend the day with my girls.
When you take the time to stop and think it’s amazing how little time we spend in the present moment.
When our minds become still and thoughts slow down we come as close to peace as we possibly can. In this state of mind it is likely that we will take a more positive view of ourselves, our relationships and of the general goings on of reality. It is in this calm state of awareness that we can best relate to our children and develop conscious parenting skills.
MEMORIES
Somewhere around 1983 I was sitting in the front room of a council house watching our oversized television. I could only have been about 3 or 4 years but the memory I have is clear as day. The news was on, and the story was about a gay couple. I remember being quite perplexed and asking mum to explain. Luckily, she was open minded and responded saying that it didn’t matter if it was a man and woman, or two men or two women, as long as they loved each other. I have carried this memory through life with me. It was my first conception of love and probably the basis for the beliefs I have now. What a beautiful gift to give a child!
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