Smile on my face
and love in my heart,
the spring of content
pours forth it's treasure.
The secret garden,
Deep within.
Friday 9 July 2010
Tuesday 6 July 2010
Getting to the Heart of Unconscious Thought Patterns
Since becoming a mother i have noticed that sometimes when i open my mouth, out pops something that i remember being told when i was a child. At first i thought that this was just a little quirk of parenting, but on giving this a bit more thought, promted by the book i'm currently reading "The Invisible Century: Einstein, Freud and the Search for Hidden Universes" By Richard Panek i realised that, "our language is necessarily steeped in preconceived ideas. Only they are unconscious preconceived ideas, which are a thousand times the most dangerous of all". (The quote is actually by Henry Poincare on page 72).
Now, i've come across the idea that ideas can be dangerous but i normally equate this with large political ideologies and have never given thought to the fact that just a small phrase repeated enough times could have a profoundly negative impact on someones life, well not until i became a mother that was. So, most recently i have been listening to myself repeating phrases like, 'well, that's life' and 'life is tough', 'life is hard' and 'you'll have to learn the hard way', and suddenly the impact that these words could have on my children dawned on me, like a rock falling out of the sky. What i realised is that yes, life is hard, but it's even harder if you believe it to be hard.
In fact i have found being a parent so damn hard that it has forced me to seek a different path through life. I have done a lot of soul searching and realised that i was fighting all the time. Everything was an effort to me, and with the extra pressure of caring for two small people it was not possible for me to continue with the way in which i was living.
One of the most fundamental ways in which i am beginning to change my approach to life is to try and understand my perception of life. How do i view life? Because perception is the structure within which we base all our ideas, opinions, values and beliefs. What i found was this is a very hard question to answer. It's also the main point of the book: that both Einstein and Freud were able to do to solve their own problems (the intellectual problems of their generation) by approaching their respective subjects in a different way to their contemporaries.
So i'm trying bit by bit (through careful observation of my thoughts, actions and words) to uncover a few of these preconceived ideas. And today i realised that if i keep telling my girls how hard life is they too will find themselves struggling and fighting their way through life, and that's just not what i want for them.
From what i have found there is a path of least reistance, which involves just listening to your heart every moment and hearing what it has to say; it will tell you what your next move should be, and the answer will always be the most harmonious, and more intelligent decision. And it means that you have a constant stream of reliable information at your hand 24 hours a day!
Now, i've come across the idea that ideas can be dangerous but i normally equate this with large political ideologies and have never given thought to the fact that just a small phrase repeated enough times could have a profoundly negative impact on someones life, well not until i became a mother that was. So, most recently i have been listening to myself repeating phrases like, 'well, that's life' and 'life is tough', 'life is hard' and 'you'll have to learn the hard way', and suddenly the impact that these words could have on my children dawned on me, like a rock falling out of the sky. What i realised is that yes, life is hard, but it's even harder if you believe it to be hard.
In fact i have found being a parent so damn hard that it has forced me to seek a different path through life. I have done a lot of soul searching and realised that i was fighting all the time. Everything was an effort to me, and with the extra pressure of caring for two small people it was not possible for me to continue with the way in which i was living.
One of the most fundamental ways in which i am beginning to change my approach to life is to try and understand my perception of life. How do i view life? Because perception is the structure within which we base all our ideas, opinions, values and beliefs. What i found was this is a very hard question to answer. It's also the main point of the book: that both Einstein and Freud were able to do to solve their own problems (the intellectual problems of their generation) by approaching their respective subjects in a different way to their contemporaries.
So i'm trying bit by bit (through careful observation of my thoughts, actions and words) to uncover a few of these preconceived ideas. And today i realised that if i keep telling my girls how hard life is they too will find themselves struggling and fighting their way through life, and that's just not what i want for them.
From what i have found there is a path of least reistance, which involves just listening to your heart every moment and hearing what it has to say; it will tell you what your next move should be, and the answer will always be the most harmonious, and more intelligent decision. And it means that you have a constant stream of reliable information at your hand 24 hours a day!
Children's Song by R.S. Thomas
We live in our own world.
A World that is too small
For you to stoop and enter
Even on hands and knees,
The adult subterfuge.
And though you probe and pry
With analytic eye,
And eavesdrop all our talk
With an amused look,
You cannot find the centre
Where we dance, where we play,
Where life is still asleep
Under the closed flower,
Under the smooth shell
Of eggs in the cupped nest
That mock the faded blue
Of your remoter heaven.
A World that is too small
For you to stoop and enter
Even on hands and knees,
The adult subterfuge.
And though you probe and pry
With analytic eye,
And eavesdrop all our talk
With an amused look,
You cannot find the centre
Where we dance, where we play,
Where life is still asleep
Under the closed flower,
Under the smooth shell
Of eggs in the cupped nest
That mock the faded blue
Of your remoter heaven.
Monday 5 July 2010
Quote of the day:
"There is surely a piece of divinity in us, something that was before the elements, and owes no homage unto the sun" Sir Thomas Browne.
Thursday 1 July 2010
Parenting Blunder No 1: The rule of no SHOUTING
Because parenting isn't all sweetness and light today i'm serving up a slice of reality pie: the shitty end of the stick so to speak. Not that i really want to air my mistakes for all and sundry but i hope by doing so i (and others) will be less likely to make the mistake again.
Things started well. I was organised, managed to do ironing before we left the house at 10.30. Went to playgroup and the girls got to run free for an hour, everyone was happy. We came home, Anona went to bed for an hour and Gwen was relatively well behaved...until, the carrot incident.
Gwen helped me to peel carrots but then decided to trail the peelings over the floor. (Nothing to get upset about you think, but how easy it is to let yourself get wound up.) On asking her to pick them up i got a loud and very decicive "NO". This is the first time she's ever raised her voice to me so being quite shocked I did what i imagine every mum has done once or twice, I shouted back, "OH YES YOU WILL. YOU WILL LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY AND YOU WILL DO WHAT I TELL YOU, OR ELSE YOU CAN GO TO YOUR NAUGHTY STEP". How cliched and ugly this sounds now that it is written down.
"OK" she said casually. Result i thought! But i thought to soon, her response was not in agreement with me but was actually opting to sit on the naughty step (the easier option). What choice did i have here? My threat of punishment was taken up thankfully, so while she sits happily on the naughty step i begin to stew.
The two minutes is up so i ask nicely again, "now please can you clean up your mess?"
The response again, "But i don't want to", and by this time it's too late for me and i see red and pick her up and deposit her in her cot telling her that she can stay there until she learns her lesson.
At this point i should have realised that i had a choice about how to deal with the situation. I let my anger carry me and take control even though i knew in my heart that I was wrong. The anger said, she's got one over on you, she's dictating to you and she needs to be punished. My heart said, you're upsetting her, she looks up to you and learns how to act from the way you act. But i didn't listen, i was too angry.
How sad i am to have treated my daughter in this way. In hindsight i can see that my thinking at the time was probably due to some non-sensical common sense which told me that if i let her speak to me in that way and not clean up after herself then she would grow up thinking that she can shout at people and not clean up after herself, and ironically that's exactly what my actions reinforced.
By shouting at children they learn to shout. By getting angry they learn to get angry. When children are punished they learn to punish. If i truly think about what message i wanted to get across and the best way to do it i could have done without all the angry words, tears and the upset and confusion they caused. Even if it meant cleaning up the said carrot myself (which i did in the end anyway).
What i have learned today is it that children don't need acoustics to understand something. They are emotionally intelligent and can feel when they have done wrong or upset someone. My shouting today was probably the result of learned behaviour that has been passed down from generation to generation. It is scary how easy it is to follow these unconscious thought patterns, and so today i made the choice to break that cycle. From now on every action i take will be the result of conscious and considered thought. I am so sorry Gwen, I won't let it happen again xxx
Things started well. I was organised, managed to do ironing before we left the house at 10.30. Went to playgroup and the girls got to run free for an hour, everyone was happy. We came home, Anona went to bed for an hour and Gwen was relatively well behaved...until, the carrot incident.
Gwen helped me to peel carrots but then decided to trail the peelings over the floor. (Nothing to get upset about you think, but how easy it is to let yourself get wound up.) On asking her to pick them up i got a loud and very decicive "NO". This is the first time she's ever raised her voice to me so being quite shocked I did what i imagine every mum has done once or twice, I shouted back, "OH YES YOU WILL. YOU WILL LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY AND YOU WILL DO WHAT I TELL YOU, OR ELSE YOU CAN GO TO YOUR NAUGHTY STEP". How cliched and ugly this sounds now that it is written down.
"OK" she said casually. Result i thought! But i thought to soon, her response was not in agreement with me but was actually opting to sit on the naughty step (the easier option). What choice did i have here? My threat of punishment was taken up thankfully, so while she sits happily on the naughty step i begin to stew.
The two minutes is up so i ask nicely again, "now please can you clean up your mess?"
The response again, "But i don't want to", and by this time it's too late for me and i see red and pick her up and deposit her in her cot telling her that she can stay there until she learns her lesson.
At this point i should have realised that i had a choice about how to deal with the situation. I let my anger carry me and take control even though i knew in my heart that I was wrong. The anger said, she's got one over on you, she's dictating to you and she needs to be punished. My heart said, you're upsetting her, she looks up to you and learns how to act from the way you act. But i didn't listen, i was too angry.
How sad i am to have treated my daughter in this way. In hindsight i can see that my thinking at the time was probably due to some non-sensical common sense which told me that if i let her speak to me in that way and not clean up after herself then she would grow up thinking that she can shout at people and not clean up after herself, and ironically that's exactly what my actions reinforced.
By shouting at children they learn to shout. By getting angry they learn to get angry. When children are punished they learn to punish. If i truly think about what message i wanted to get across and the best way to do it i could have done without all the angry words, tears and the upset and confusion they caused. Even if it meant cleaning up the said carrot myself (which i did in the end anyway).
What i have learned today is it that children don't need acoustics to understand something. They are emotionally intelligent and can feel when they have done wrong or upset someone. My shouting today was probably the result of learned behaviour that has been passed down from generation to generation. It is scary how easy it is to follow these unconscious thought patterns, and so today i made the choice to break that cycle. From now on every action i take will be the result of conscious and considered thought. I am so sorry Gwen, I won't let it happen again xxx
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